


This is not the end, this is not the beginning

by shecouldbeamazing



Series: doctor who drabbles [3]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Beginnings, Endings, Episode: s04e08 Silence in the Library, Episode: s07e14 The Name of the Doctor, Gen, Goodbyes, Hellos, Love, Regeneration, river song - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-13 22:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shecouldbeamazing/pseuds/shecouldbeamazing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This time he welcomed death like the companion it was, wanting nothing more than to let it sweep him up in its arms and make him new again, make him whole and brush off the hardened edges around his hearts.</p>
<p>But then he remembered Clara. Clara was still here. She knew what was going to happen and she was so very very scared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is not the end, this is not the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I can't stop thinking about eleven regenerating. Here's another one. Sorry guys.

He was regenerating.

This time there were no tears of anger, of sorrow, or thoughts of goodbye. There was no reason to be angry, no more tears to cry, and hardly anyone left to say goodbye to. River, Amy, Rory- all of them were gone, taken by time. This time he welcomed death like the companion it was, wanting nothing more than to let it sweep him up in its arms and make him new again, make him whole and brush off the hardened edges around his hearts.

But then he remembered Clara. Clara was still here. She knew what was going to happen and she was so very very scared.

Mustering up what he had left, he took her hands in his and kissed them comfortingly as tears slid down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Clara.”

“No. You can’t.” _You can't leave._

She shook her head, feeling as if she was a young girl again saying goodbye to her mother, but instead it was the Doctor, her mad friend who'd grabbed her hand and whisked her away.

And she was losing him.

He took in a ragged breath and nodded, his fingers starting to glow. “It’s time for me to go, Clara. I’ve been running for far too long.”

She gripped his hand that much harder, letting out a small sob. “You can’t leave now. 101 places to see and I still haven’t seen them. We were going see all of them, remember?” She was properly crying now. “We haven’t done them yet, you can’t go now.”

Putting his hand on her cheek to brush away her tears, he looked into her eyes, trying to find some way to elicit a smile from her. “I’ll still be here. I’m not going anywhere. Our story isn’t finished yet.”

“I know you’ll still be here, that’s not the point. You won’t be _you_.”

He grinned weakly. “I’m always me.” Regeneration energy was flooding through him more at this point, his time was running out. “One last thing now. For me, Clara. I need you to take this.” Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out his sonic screwdriver. He gave it a quick kiss before handing it to her.

“I’m piloting the TARDIS on a course for a planet called the Library- biggest library in the universe. CAL will show you what to do from there, but please,” he stressed the word, tears forming, “you have to do this. Bring this there.”

“But why?” she sniffed, glancing at the device in confusion. “What is this?” She pointed at the green, blinking light attached to it. “That wasn’t there before, was it?”

“No,” he whispered, trying to hang on for a few more minutes. “That light is me, right now. It’s a copy. Has all my memories, my personality. It’s me…an echo to leave behind. I need you to upload me to the Library.” His eyes started to glisten. “River has been alone in there too long.” Pain shot through him then from head to toe and he knew that he wouldn’t last much longer. “Clara listen. After I regenerate, I’m going to need some time to recuperate. I might have to sleep for a while. If I don’t wake up and you get bored, make me some tea. But get out of here as soon as possible. It isn’t safe-,”

“I know I know, you told me. You’re going to _explode_.”

He laughed and she laughed and suddenly it felt like it was going to be okay, if only for a moment.

Clara stayed put for one last look. “…Doctor, I’m scared.” She whispered.

“Don’t be scared. I hate endings…more than anyone. But endings are only beginnings in disguise.” The Doctor groaned, regeneration energy spilling from his mouth. He was so close. “You have to go now…tell my wife I love her. And that I’ll see her soon.” He took a step away from Clara, his impossible girl. “Go!”

And she was gone.

He looked around the console room and got into position. He closed his eyes and spread his arms out wide, welcoming what he had avoided for so long.

“ _Geronimo_.”

* * *

 

Clara was running. She’d gone out shaking, not wanting to see the Doctor die and become someone else, but suddenly as she sprinted past the aisles and aisles and aisles of books, it didn’t matter.

It didn’t.

Because she was running and only one thought was in her head, repeating itself over and over and over again: _I have to save the Doctor._

She came to a stop moments later, panting. She wasn't sure what to do now.

_CAL will show you what to do from there._

Clara glanced around. Who was Cal? ...Was that a person? Was she around somewhere?

Wondering if being around the Doctor was affecting her sanity, she took a deep breath and called out, "Cal?"

And then, unexpectedly, a white statue-like machine started to move, its head swivelled around and she was suddenly looking at the face of a young girl...an actual. face. _Right. That's not the least bit strange._

"Clara," it said. "I've been waiting for you."

Gaping, Clara held up the sonic in her hand and said, "The Doctor said you'd tell me what to do? I'm not sure how this is supposed to work."

CAL just smiled. "I knew he'd come back."

* * *

After CAL had shown her what to do, it had only taken a couple of seconds and it was done. He was uploaded. Her job was done. CAL had turned around back into her original position and she was alone again.

So she started walking.

She walked and walked until found herself in the same room River had died in. Clara didn't know how long it had been; maybe it happened only a couple of hours before. But she knew River had died here. Having a psychic link with someone, even for a short while, had its effects and this room...Clara could feel it.

And then all too quickly, Clara felt as if she was standing in a tomb. An emptiness she didn't catch before was now all she could feel. They were gone. Both of them: the Doctor and River. She didn't want to be in here anymore.

So she walked over to one of the computers and got to work. After the spoonheads, operating computers of any kind became as easy as breathing, but it always got boring after a while so she kept it to herself. Right now though, it was important.

She was saying goodbye.

* * *

_"If there's one thing I know about people is that they always have secrets. The Doctor has more than anyone I know, possibly more than anyone in the universe. I know I'll never know half of them, but I've learned that knowing isn't always best. But sometimes, I wish he talked more. He's always so closed off, it's hard to tell what's on in that huge head of his besides bow-ties and children's toys. All those times he talked about you, I never realized how important you were to him...I wish I could've met you properly. He made it sound like you were this old chum of his...I started paying attention after Trenzalore though. And now I know why he has so many secrets._

_Secrets keep us safe._

_You know him better than most. He would die rather than say how he really feels._

_But I was told to tell you this: he loves you, River. He loves everyone, I think, even after they're gone._

_And I think that's the same with people, too._

_Tell the Doctor I said hello. I'll miss him."_

She'd finished typing the message and sent it. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, Clara put on a smile, but the happiness that should've come wasn't there. She should've been happy. River wasn’t alone anymore, but the thought was bittersweet. Her Doctor, back there somewhere, was still alone. 

Well then. Time to fix that.

Turning on her heel and walking swiftly back to the TARDIS, her thoughts suddenly shifted to finding the kitchen and making tea, wanting to be the first thing this new doctor saw when he opened his eyes. Because this really wasn't the end.

This was only the beginning.

 


End file.
